THIRDEYEJ[0]EL

This is what makes the spine and limbs of a walking Joel:

This is what makes the exit bridge of the internal:

This is what makes the shortcut to the center of the Ajna:

This is what makes the soul sink in aesthetic wonders:

And this, my friend, is what makes the mind:

Okay, just kidding. But them fishnet, brrrrr…..

*Takes in a deep breath*

Anyways, ain’t those other items exceptionally enchanting? I can’t fucking wait to get me hands on ’em. Just look at ’em, silky in style and yet not without substance. Even them accessories are hell of a beauty.

The so called “Mighty” mouse. Quote Apple.com: “[the] Mighty Mouse puts powerful precision in a pint-sized package. With all its clicking capability tucked neatly under the seamless top shell, Mighty Mouse boasts drop-dead good looks and wireless portability, too. And then there’s that ingenious Scroll Ball — the tiniest such mechanism ever used in an input device. No wonder it’s a wonder.” Damn, ain’t no wording it better meself.

And Holy Baloney! Even the fucking keyboard’s no less a meticulously constructed piece of art:

I mean, it’s made (or at least it’s photographed) with such precision that a simple cut and paste photo edit can produce this:

Damn it I really can’t wait to get me hands on ’em. Patience’s a-boiling every time me eyes land on any one of these.

PS: Dear, that Shay Laren pic was really just a joke =x

Got me SAT results a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, my scores did not reach me target. As some of you know, it was my second time resiting (who the fuck takes SAT thrice?) yet despite the efforts, my latest attempt to put a stop to this cyclical SAT fiascoes was once again completely in vain. I’d only managed to bring my score to 1950. No where near the desired 2000+/2400 score.

Me spirit plummeted down (again), swam in the valleys of ice and cold for a while, then decided that it was utter bullshit. How long am I gonna graze on this sorry ass half-dead hanging side of them grass? Look o’er there, ain’t it much, much greener? Yeah, the result sucked big time. I couldn’t wrap me head around it. Everyone says SAT is way easier than A-levels. For me, it’s the other way round. After reading the passages a billion times, lining out irrational answer choices, I’ll always still be stuck with that two answer choices that after a series of debates in me head, steams me up vexed with the conclusion that they both can be accepted! The instructions however, ere the test begins, made it very clear that one shall only shade one answer choice. Bummer! Perhaps I’m not bright enough. Lacking an acute intelligence or so.

But to let all these negativity weigh on me isn’t a better way out either. As I had mentioned, them grasses are much greener over there. Way greener as a matter o fact. Maybe they get better over the horizons further away, maybe. But one thing I’m darn sure of is that o’er here, I definitely ain’t getting good grass. They taste of stale whore vagina juice’s what they taste like!

Then why the fuck am I still wallowing in this self pity shit-hole? What happened to  that “ah, fuck it” Joel I once was? It wasn’t like I’d say “fuck it” and continue screwing up. The “fuck it” attitude I always  had was a lil’ different, but nonetheless still simple and effective.

Every time some bad ass shit decides to fuck with me, I’d simply give ’em the middle finger and work harder. If I am inadequate, I’d simply work harder and strive to improve. Simple. Like how them days back in ASK and all the seniors laughing at me for wanting to help out in their productions despite having ‘zero’ knowledge in film-making (since it was only my first semester there). They laugh. They mock. They discourage. And “ah, fuck it” was what was all I’d say in me head.

Afters, I’d simply head to the library, read up tons of production theory books and expand my film knowledge by watching films as old as the Lumiere Brother’s “Women leaving the factory” to the likes of “Dr Caligari” (and many, many more). After a few months, I was practically the only first year student on them seniors project. A few more months, and I was the only male student (along another female senior) selected by FINAS to represent the college as liaison officers for the 50th Asia Pacific Film Fest. Heck, I was responsible for Mr. Takai, president of Toho co. ltd. (owns the likes of Godzilla and Doraemon, even produced Akira Kurosawa films in the past). A few more months, and I was the overall highest scorer in the entire department.

It ain’t anything big and that I know. But the wonders of a “fuck it” attitude. Now, what happened to that? Had I grown so vulnerable? A lil’ taking me out from the art world and into the stoic-stodgy Taylorian lifestyle and me entirety simply crumbled?

“Fuck it!”

So what if I’m a kampung-boy? So what if I’m not good enough? So what if I made a fool of me self a couple of times? So what if I did fail a couple of times? So what if I don’t have the comforts of security? So what if life’s harsh? So what if I ain’t that all adorned with dollars and bills?

It’s very, very simple.

I have a dream.

I want to be a film-maker.

And there’s no stoppin’ me at that!

Drained dry. The previous week had not been one of jolly candies and fancy sweeties.

I really hate my life. Every step’s a drag. There’s no guidance. There’s no one I can fall to for comfort or assurance. No one I can trust to fully understand the situation and help me cope with the haunting uncertainties that lie ahead.

Would it be easier if I had chosen a more conventional path? Like be a doctor, an engineer, a lawyer or even a businessman. There’s thousands of people with such proffesions and of course, thousands of mistakes and successes to learn from. Go up to a college education counsellar, say: “I aspire to be an engineer” and immediately a mind-map of possible ‘education + career’ paths is layed out there and then. As long as money’s never a problem, your passion will always rest comfortably on a sheet of security.

“Security…”

Something, as of this moment, that I desperately desire…

*sigh*

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not deriding those who choose to follow a more conventional route. It’s not wrong anyways. So long as the reasons are apt: “I want to be of help to the people” – “I want to invent things” – “I want to build an empire to help the poor” and not, “medic’s where all the money is”, I believe people like these can make the world a better place.

As for me however, I can’t help but feel a lot like the black sheep of society. This mad passion which is both a blessing and a curse, it never sleeps to remind me of how far from home I am. A home that lies exactly between the heart and the infinite strips of celluloid…

To be different is not always a good thing. My bitter experience in Taylors College has taught me so. Simply because I have different ways of studying, a different approach to my education, the lecturers immediately labelled me as ‘immature’ and ‘a waste of time’. Just because I don’t carry a book and announce to the whole world that I actually dostudy, classmates always saw me as a ‘carefree dumbass’. So what if I managed to get straight A’s at the end of the day? I was already labelled ‘bad influence’. I was already labellef ‘stupid’. I was already labelled ‘immature’. The damage has been done. And unlike many Taylorians who complyto their parents’ totalitarian role over their future, I have my own fucking future to worry about. I ain’t got parents that saved up for my education! We’re a bunch of kampung-headed people, fucking “education” never was a plan. Get a house, a comfortable life, and that’s pretty much about it. Heck, we’re so poor I’m not even life-insured! There’s so much to think about, so much to plan, so much to worry about…

But hey, the world don’t give two fucks, and I’ve gotten quite used to it.

*sigh*

I just hoped that the people around me wouldn’t try and make it any tougher with all those unneccasary remarks; virgins like Ms. Anne and their piercing judgments should just burn in hell. Its hard to ignore and not absorb them especially when you’re already so weak and fragile.

Nonetheless, I know that they’re all in the past and that they should never be opened again unless I wish to learn something from them.

As for the future, I use to think about it alot. Ponder over the many roles I want to be and the many paths I would like to venture in, just so I can prepare myself now by reading up on em.

Sadly, thick nimbuses do cloud my mind as of late. And the future’s but as bleak and distant an abyss…

My present… my present’s not any bit delightful either. More like a Van Gogh painting is what it’s like. Constantly barking at me. Constantly reminding me of the Imbecile I am…

Worthless.

Useless.

Dejected.

These words echoe in the hallow within. Screech and scratch at my skull. Prick a million pricks beneath my skin. Soak every single atom with dread and despondency. Veils my soul with despair and quenches the spirit to nihility.

At the nadir of all these, I finally realized that I am nothing. Truely, nothing. So what if I have good results? So what if I’m a scholar? So what if I have a dream, a passion? So what if I’m talented? So what if people tell me only the sky’s my limit? The veritable truth: I am zero. No point living in illusions. No point picking up my resume and trying to find worth in it. No point scrutinizing small scaled accomplishments and find pride in it. No point. Absolutely no point at all.

My dreams are of prodigious scales. And in the light of them, everything I have ever accomplished up to date is insignificant. If I really want to see my dreams come true. I just have to simply work harder. I just have to fucking pick myself up and fucking do whatever’s necessary.

No, I must admit that as of this very moment, I am not happy at all. I HATE MY LIFE. But hey, as my girlfriend once told me, “You won’t hate your life forever, do something. So that when you’re gonna start loving your life again, there’s something worth loving. Else the cycle’s just going to continue forever.”

And with that in mind, despite the grudge, despite the hate I have towards my current self, summoning my entire will and strength, I stared into the skies above, looked at life in the eye, and yelled “Bring it on!”

FlirtingWithSleep – Key Leaf

“FlirtingWithSleep – Key Leaf”
Genre: Music Video (Student’s Project)
Running Time: 00:03:11
Year: 2008

Director: Joel Soh
Producer: Joanna Soh
Cinematographer: Joel Soh
Editor: Joel Soh
Art Director: Rebecca
Misc. Crew: Sobri, Hazli & Olivia
Cast: Joanna Soh, David Lin & Boon Ping

Constructive critisicms much appreciated! 😀

I don’t need all them exercise and what not “no mamak before you sleep” sorta diet. I simply need, Photoshop!! *Hallelujah~* Just check them pics out. I know it’s not an extreme Cinapek to Tom Cruise sorta make over. But com’n, I became skinnier did I not? The nose ain’t so much of a log anymore, ya? Heck, even them eyes are bigger! Smoother skin, no? Wala! Objective accomplished. *Hallelujah~~ (5 semitones higher)*

“Aku bukan delusional!! Tidak!!”

*       *       *       *       *       *      *      *      *      *

Thanks to free internet tutorials, learning ain’t that expensive. Here’s something I’ve been working on for the past 3 hours. You can try it yourself at Lunacore. It’s a step by step tutorial and it explains most of the tools also. Witness Photoshop-power ‘Before and After’, tada!

8:40am. I really need to get some sleep. Need to wake up and study SATII (-.-) ….. zzzZZZZZ

First criteria of what a productive day ought to be: no visits to the cyber cafe for DotA. Period.

Second criteria: start, continue or finish a work of art! Be it a piece of painting, a piece of metal music manuscript or a piece of poetry, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, as long as the aesthetic neurons are harnessed and developed, that should do.

Third criteria: comply to certain necessary obligations. Say, pay the bills? Wash the car? Finish up university applications? Stuff like that. I don’t like saying this cus I really hate the idea of being tied down to obligations. While certain ones can be helped (things like studying and working hard to be something our parents failed to become), there are a few that seriously cannot be ignored. Especially since they dictate the continuity of our lives. I don’t want to wake up to a warm dark room and neither do I want to hear my tap make funny vacuous noises.   

Fourth criteria: fail in something. This might sound out of place, but a productive day definitely requires the birth of a problem – just so the mind would be forced to reason up solutions. In economics, we learn that being productive doesn’t just mean working harder so that while previously we were able to produce 1000 pins a day, now we can produce 1200 pins a day. Though it is notably still an accomplishment, fat moguls aren’t interested with such petty increments. Rather, to be highly productive, workers are often required to venture out and be exposed to new techniques and methods of production so that with the same amount of effort we bled to produce 1000 pins a day, we can now produce 10,000. Now how can this be done if we, the workers, do not venture out into unknown technologies? Well of course in my example, higher wages and a promotion would definitely be instigating factors. Especially since training is also F.O.C. In our Johnny casual life however, we don’t usually make initiatives to venture out and learn new things since there’s nothing to goad us ahead. Hence, we’ll always be stuck with the 1000 pins/day method of life. If it’s to be called a productive day, like I said, it must be a day with a problem(s). A problem that screeches and pricks beneath our skin with the heat of hell, provoking us to get up and venture out for a solution.  

Fifth criteria: abet someone. Be a benevelont lad and lend out that hand to whoever needs it most. I know some of you might think that this is unneccesary. But hey, altruism works in peculiar ways. When we give, we will always receive. Assholes who keep all them knowledge to themselves, refusing to share them, will never learn as fast and be as productive as those who sparingly teach out of charity and generosity. So if you want to be productive, aid someone! You’ll never know what you’ll acquire from helping another person. 

Today, I met all of em 5 criterias 😀 A fucking productive day indeed.

Anyways, before I go. Here’s a lil’ something on my current listening list:

A Perfect Circle – Counting Bodies like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums

Mudvayne – Dig

Goodnight and sweetdreams! I’m off to the mamak!

Hate to admit it, but for the past week, I had been living in a room stenched with the rancid smell of stale 1-week-old dog poo & pee. And to top that, there were rotten food lying everywhere (and of course with them flies) plus spilled Air Limau Nipis that gradually dried into natural glue. And if I were to further top that, and this might sound a lil’ indecorous, I wasn’t even aware of these egregious abominations as I was overwhelmed by the smell of expired cum and sweat eminating from my bed, numbing my oldfactory senses. Frankly and simply enunciated, it was quite a disgusting week. 

Please! Before you start judging and sympathizing my girlfriend, I can explain! I was sick, ya? Sick, really, really sick. I could barely move. Simple notions such as picking up the mouse and leading the pointer to Gossip Girl claimed a prodiguous amount of effort, leave alone finding the tissue paper – picking up them poos – throwing the pee stained newspaper into the bin – sweeping the floor – mopping the floor – yada – yada – yada. I mean, even simple necessary notions like visiting Redtube and *ahem* could turn out to be extremely exasperating! Moreover, my innate habit of overdosing myself with prescribed cough syrups left me constantly in a lukewarm state of half high, half drowsy. I did it with good intentions though. Wanting to cure the cough as fast as possible… *clears throat* Anyways, lets not get to that!

Today, however, I feel alot more healthier. The cough’s still there but everything else’s pretty much gone (Damn the doc, next time he should just prescribe me a 1.5L bottle of cough syrup). That aside, I went out for lunch with my beautiful lovely girlfriend. She really made my day. I guess after all them SAT and university application stress, much is elucidated. I get to see her now as how I had the first day I courted her. She’s pretty, beautiful, smart, and I really, trully love her. No more veils of exam stress and obligations to obstruct that beauty I hold so dearly in my heart. At least, not for now.

Ok, I deviated a lil’. Point of the post’s suppose to brag about how goooood a boy I am. Immediately after I felt healthier, perhaps also because I was slightly instigated my Adrian’s “Dude, your room stinks so bad” comment, I had taken it upon myself to restore my room to it’s former glory. The entire process took about 3 hours or so. Lots of sweeping – endurance – wiping –patience – mopping – perseverence – arranging and at the end of it all, a good dose of Ambipure! Heck I’m even convinced I’d be a great househusband. Imagine waking up every Sunday morning, breaking em silence with loud Rock n Roll music as I dance around with a broomstick to the tune of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell”, swing along Lynyrd Skynard’s wicked “Free Bird” solo with my mopstick, arrange and rearrange whatever that needs to be arranged or rearranged as Morrison’s “Riders of the Storm” echoes down the corridor, prepare breakfast “Sweet Child O’ Mine” style and finally, waking Xiao up with a kiss and a smile while Led Zeppelin performs “Whole Lotta Love” in the background. Yeah, ideal. 😀

Sadly, such a Sunday is only possible if I can afford to live in a bungalow. Else, the neighbors ‘d be complaining. Just like my current neighbors. Of course in my defense, I’d say I had already compromised ALOT since I always put much consideration as to where the arrow on my speaker’s volume knob points. I mean, Loud is only loud when the pointer points at 5 o’clock no? 70% of the maximum volume shouldn’t be that bad… but Oh, well… to ALL the neighbours thoughout my entire life, I’m nothing but an advocate of noise pollution.

Anyways, I shan’t complain. It’s a bad habit I’m trying to curb. 

6:17 am. Me eyes are getting heavy. I best doze off. Wonder what I’ll dream about this time. The previous night I had dreamt of adopting an ape. To be more exact, I actually wanted to adopt a Lion but them people say its no good since I can’t rare it for long. Them lions grow really fast (in my dreams) and by the age of 2, can be rather wild and unsafe to rare anymore. Oh and the weird thing is I remember seeing them walking on 2 legs, just like humans. Some of them were still lil’ cubs, while a few others looked much bigger. One of em even resembled me! I really wanted that one but it was already 1+ years old. Shopkeeper said it’s not worth adopting it since after 6 months I’ll have to give it back to the zoo. Thus, I settled with an ape instead. Unbelievable isn’t it? How DMT can fuck a person’s mind up. In a good way of course. XD

Yes, yes, yes. I must stop! If mathematics and neumerology could be applied to deduce my ramblings, I’m pretty sure it’d resemble the Fibonacci sequence. Just goes on and on and on and on…

Goodnight and sweetdreams! 🙂